Does this make you want to read on? (First draft. And I know the grammars not good. But remember.First draft!)

I'm still working on it. This is just the basic concept of what I'm going to write.



The Maco’s were not poor. In fact they were rich. Phil Maco owned a restaurant called The Mills. A mix of his name and Maddie’s name. He could’ve named it Phaddie, but that doesn’t sound very right.

The restaurant was very expensive. It had fine food, had the finest table cloths, and all the rich people ate there.

There were two restaurants. One right here in Detroit, and the other in new York City. The one in New York City was bringing in lots of money. Phil was hoping to build one in Chicago. And soon he would have the money for that.

Phil sat in his office at The Mills. He just finished ordering the food for next week. He turned to his TV and turned it to Saving Love. It was the episode that launched yesterday.

“Mr. Phil, may I puh-lease come in?” Phil’s employee, Raymond said on the other side of his office door.

“Sure,” Phil said. Saving Love would have to wait. He turned off the TV.

“Mr. Phil, I know someone who wants a job here,” Raymond announced, happily.

“We don’t need anyone at the moment,” Phil said.

“Yes, but this girl has experience with restaurants. She worked at Burger King for five years. She’s great with people. And I have a feeling you’ll like her,” Raymond said.

“Burger King?” Phil smirked.

“She’s here. Would you like for me to send her in?” Raymond asked.

“Tomorrow,” Phil said, reaching for the remote.

“Mr. Phil, she needs the-”

“Why are you so anxious for her to work here?” Phil asked.

“You have NO right to interrupt me!” Raymond yelled.

This was Phil’s favorite part. Raymond always got mad. At anything. And it was quite amusing. Raymond was known around the restaurant for his yelling.

“Send her in tomorrow,” Phil repeated.

“You are an awful man! An awful waste of person! You… JERK! That’s what you are! She is right outside this door! And you tell her-”

“Raymond, leave. Seriously, I’m missing too much of Saving Love.” Phil explained.

“Saving Love? I’m sorry for interrupting,” Raymond said. And with that he excused himself.

Phil hated what he said. You’re an awful man! An awful waste of person! Phil felt like that all the time. He felt that what happened with Maddie was his fault. And he could never forgive himself for that. Guilt filled his veins. Anger filled his bones. Denial took over sometimes. But according to specialists, these stages were normal. But what happened with Maddie happened nine months ago. Exactly. Today was July 22. Another month closer to October 22. Than it would be a year. Phil loathed that date. But at the same time he loved it.Does this make you want to read on? (First draft. And I know the grammars not good. But remember.First draft!)
Hmmm--Phil must put up with Raymond for some reason.



This is a nice and intriguing start. You have created many threads and lots of details. Maybe too many for a short story. Can you simplify it a little? Simple is good.
yea, i would read on.Does this make you want to read on? (First draft. And I know the grammars not good. But remember.First draft!)
Ok. seems a bit short on the restaurant part. The rest seems to be fine and it conveys the point. Makes you want to strangle the boss. Keep up the good work!
I want to know what happens!!!

Write more, please?
Eh the Intro is a bit soft I stopped from there and skimmed most of the draft. I don't know if it is a story but it is ok.
No, this does not make me want to read more. The writing is juvenile and simplistic, and nothing here's catches my attention. I'm not really sure what's going on except that Phil has a restaurant and Raymond has a temper.
I'm sorry and not to be rude but it's just okay. In the beginning part you tell us too much stuff. Unless it's 100% necessary then that part can be cut out. It sounded like a children's book you know the ones where they're like "The dog was blue. He did not like the cat. The dog had had a red colar." You tell us too much like the reader is retarted. (not to be rude) The dialogue part was best part and I wanted to know what happened with Maddie. Maybe you could add more detail to the setting in the restaurant like what his office looked like so the reader can feel what it's like in the restaurant. A good tip is to show not tell and I know that's confusing and cryptic because someone critiqued my work and do the same and i was like........wtf? Anyways heres a website that explains that. http://www.sfwriter.com/ow04.htm it helped me out and i finally was able to write the kick *** beginning i've been desperately trying to write. But, it seems like it was good but it just needs a little work on the beginning. Good luck!